Unrequited love – XV.
June 23, 2014 § 2 Comments
My life is a series of unrequited love. The only difference is that I never knew the dictionary word for it or even the meaning of it until recently.
Imagine your heart being broken by a hammer constantly and the sad part is that you crave for it. You want to break it, smash it against a wall..because that’s what you want..The passion of a heart breaking.
Hence in this series of unrequited love let my name be anonymous. Let love be anonymous.
I was in primary school in love with my class mate. Our “love” relationship extended only to the point where he used to pull my hair. One day I wrote “I love you” at the back of a notebook and that guy showed the notebook to the teacher. Naïve that I was I actually didn’t know the meaning of those three words, all my limited knowledge came from movies. And that was the first heart break if that was love. I am confused for now.
Years later, when I was around 16 or 17, an anonymous caller used to call our landline number. And those were the times when cell phones were non-existent. The caller knew my school timings and used to call regularly when I came back from school. He didn’t talk much, except heavily breathe. I had fallen for him, only for the obvious reason that he was the first guy I was romantically involved with..someone whose name I didn’t know. Yes, studying in a girls school has its own disadvantages. I realized much later that he might be only interested in lust. Once he asked me the color of my bra. I had learnt a important lesson at the age of 16 or 17, that bras do come in different colors too.
So on, during my 20s I was in and out of love, out of relationships which I thought would work, would return me the same happiness and love I tried to give.
IT never worked out. Every time my heart broke, I thought I would be stronger, but it was the same..each time you fall in love its like the first time.
And it was unrequited love, people expecting you to change your very essence, the way you think. And you think to yourself that this was not the reason why you had opted to be in a relationship in the first place. I wanted to ask them, why do you fall in love with me In the first place if you want to change me.
It was a series of broken illusions, like a magic trick but not working in my way though. What I thought was love, turned out to be lust. And what I thought to be lust, turned out to be love in rare case.
I could go on and on and this post would never end. And like my best friend said that I should be looking for the best in the worst- each relationship offered me to explored myself (literally and physically), I learnt different cultures, unrequited love fuelled my creative juices.
Now at this shore of my life I am in love with someone. And I also know that I will never be able to tell her. But her very smile makes my day. Falling in love with her was like falling in love with a book you would read and re-read a thousand times in your life time. I will never be able to find someone like her. And I don’t want to. I keep on dreaming about these fantasies that we are together staying in a remote city. But such fantasies are just fine on papers and in dreams.
Let it be, so my heart says. Sometimes I feel like I am trapped in a box and feel Asphyxiated. I want to scream and shout at her-don’t you see that I am in love with you.
But let it be, as my heart says. For unknowingly she has mended my heart, given me friendship and memories worth of a life time. So if this is unrequited love, then let it be. IT hurts, but it heals too.