Unrequited love – XII.

June 21, 2014 § 2 Comments

What does it mean to be unrequited? I’ve heard the word all my life and heaven knows I’ve felt the true depth of it, but what does it really mean? It’s one of those words that’s become so ubiquitous, I’ve learned to understand it contextually.

According to the dictionary unrequited stands for “not returned or reciprocated” or “not repaid or satisfied.” Not repaid or satisfied. As though love were just an outstanding debt on a balance sheet, glaring back at the end of the year as a nagging payment to be received.

Which makes me wonder.

Do we love to be loved? Or do we love to envelop the people we love with all the warmth, care and affection that we can possibly muster?

Do we love so we can feel good about ourselves? Or do we love because someone else’s happiness and joy matters to us as much as our own does.  

Do we love to evoke heartache and misery? Or do we love for the moments when the smile on someone’s face, the warmth of their embrace, the comfort of their shoulder and the peacefulness of their presence are all that stand between us and a day well-lived.

Do we love to be bound by desire? For darkness? Or do we love to be filled with light and to be set free of ourselves.

Is love an act or a state of being? Is it something I do or is it who I am.

There was a time in my life when I would have sat by myself, brooding and dreaming up scenarios that would have earned any movie director an Oscar.

You know the whole deal. Rainy evenings, sad songs, deep sighs, drowning in chocolate, puffy red eyes from crying too much. Of course I’ve had my heart broken. Who hasn’t?

Wisdom is a painful but everlasting friend to acquire. Certainly, there’s always a huge price tag attached with gaining wisdom, but then we’re all better off for having it. Wisdom taught me that:

1. Love and lust are not the same.
2. I don’t have to lose myself in love to BE in love.
3. When the heart breaks, it also learns to mend itself. All those years of pumping blood? It’s a strong muscle!
4. The person who demands my identity, my sense of self and manipulates me doesn’t deserve my attention, let alone love.
5. I will never spend as much time with anyone as I will spend with myself, so I deserve to give myself MY best.

It took me years to understand and acknowledge that while I waited for the return of my affection from someone who either didn’t feel the same way or was just stringing me along, the very worst was happening.

You see, while I was growing up, I realized I was in danger of becoming my own greatest, unrequited love.

How could I ever justify that?

How can you?

Peace.

-Neha.

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