Unrequited love – IX.
June 19, 2014 § 2 Comments
1. A lonely universe waiting for collision.
In the Red Sea, I must have fallen in love with her.
I still remember the date. 03rd January 2014. There was a whole ocean ahead of me and while I was trying to fix my eyes towards a distant horizon, her voice travelled through the empty paths of the deck and reached my ears. That was not just a voice. It was a melody mixed with a feeling of happiness and comfort at the same time. Until today, I regarded love as an entity that was born out of a marriage between physical needs and a beating heart. But this was different. This was a voice. A voice as soft as a feather. As a guy once said, “Some voices are just love.” I could have looked into her eyes all day. Her eyes, as deep as the ocean, was still the best part of my day. Maybe life was worth living after all. A million questions still rose in my mind. I was trying to calm this tsunami which was rising in my mind. Was it love? Was it lust? I was still not sure. But of things that I was sure about, it was this, that she was the most gorgeous living thing I have seen on this planet. Everything in my life would be good if those eyes were just fixed at me. Everything in my life will balance out if she comes into my life.
There is darkness everywhere. The life inside is lost and there is a wait. A wait for the timeless boundaries to stop appearing and let me free. A universe exploded in the far away space. I am still waiting for one universe to come and collide with my universe. Our universe will then travel together, diving down into a dark abyss. And amidst that darkness. We will find light. Light that will shine into our lives. The chaos in my universe will be balanced if I just collided with her universe and we create a life inside our universe.
2. Alone, flying in outer space towards golden Nebula of Xibalba.
We could have run away together and leave the ocean behind.
I was waiting all day for you to be alone. You were there standing by the deck observing the waves as they crashed on the hull. I was waiting for you to take a time out and see me. Out of randomness, out of curiosity, I was hoping that you will notice me. You will see me looking at you. I was just waiting for that one moment. If a moment could change our lives, then I would have happily said that yes, that would be the moment, that one singular moment from a lifetime of moments which I will treasure forever. In the jar of all collected memories, this moment would shine bright. I will paint this moment on the canvas of our love and brush your outlines with my favourite colours. Inflammable heart. It can never understand the origin of the fire. Its the mind that takes control in such situations and make a soul look awkward. Now and then there was this sense of separateness when she was with her friends. And she seemed to give up on the universe that was so close to collide with her. She had an unreachable face. So for a while there was always this distance. And I always thought that when she would come to me, it will be a gift.
Somewhere in this darkness of matter, I see a shining star. A beautiful moment of realisation just hit me. It was the perfect universe to collide and create life. I am now in a small self contained bubble flying in an outer space towards the distant star which was shining brightly. Of all the little moments of here and there, I was travelling in a velocity higher than the light, with my eyes fixed towards that star. I knew she would be waiting and I will meet her there. I was taking an interstellar route, travelling through black holes, cheating the laws of astrophysics, just to make love in Zero gravity.
I love you and now I am afraid of being alone.
The day I saw you was the last day of the journey. I cursed the concept of time which kept you hidden for a long time. The whole concept of Love at first sight seemed painful to me. By now I was in love with your voice, with your eyes, with your presence, with you. It still seemed difficult for me to go and talk to you. To know you. In some other story, I would have met you on the first day and our journey would have been different. But here I was watching you smile. This was a reality I had to make myself believe. With the first tide tomorrow, your presence would be gone. And like the winds that carry this ship, you will never return. Maybe waving a goodbye would have set things free. But this stupid heart, suddenly felt heavy. I suddenly felt that I wont be able to see you right from the moment you set foot off the ship. This sudden realisation made my heart skip a beat. Or two. No, it doesn’t matter. My heart is gone. I doubt If I’ll ever love again. So what if it was just a stupid love which ended before it started. There are countless definitions of love by the authors and poets Why not include this silent treatment to the never ending phases of love. We will never see each other again. Or better, I’ll never see you again. And between this journey and the remaining part of my life, all that would be left is regret. There was this attraction, a strong force that brought you to me. And now that I pulled away, the magnet of that feeling, whatever it was is now gone and I am here disembarking the steps of this streamliner, all alone.
There was an enthusiastic smile as I was playing inside that bubble slowly approaching the bright star where I was sure you would be waiting for me. I was travelling through the dark void of space and time all alone. I was sure that a light would come and eradicate my loneliness. That another soul would travel from an outer world and fill my world with light that would enlighten my universe. And then there was a light. A sharp bright light that meant destruction. There was chaos in this empty vacuum of timeless matter. The star just exploded and the meaning to my journey just finished. I cried. I jumped. I shattered every tiny piece of object around me. And then a fragment from that broken star hit my sphere and that was the end. I did not see her. I believed in her concept. And now that’s taken from me. I am falling down. To the groundless reality. I will be a lifeless body floating in this timeless matter and empty layers of milky way. And that way, my love will end before it even started.