Its interesting that you started a discussion/thread/blog chain about unrequited love. Because the subject, though interesting, doesn’t really command much of our attention in our daily lives. Or maybe its true about me more than others.
Now that I think about it, I’ve been at both the receiving end and the giving end of it. Receiving more than giving I must say. Because yes moments of unrequited love from my side have happened, but they’ve majorly been small time crushes that one gets over with soon enough to not get affected by it.
But yes, there have been a few people in my life who I’ve felt very strongly for, with the knowledge that they don’t look at you in similar regard. What’s beautiful about this form of a relationship, is that you go on loving this person despite knowing for sure that no reciprocation is ever going to come your way. I don’t know what really is the driving force behind such unrequited commitment, because frankly, it seems ridiculous, because in such a situation, mostly you are unable even to perform your side of the love towards your object of desire. What i mean when I say ‘perform’ is that, in situations where you love a person, really love them, there are things you feel like doing for them. Like helping them, or being the reason for their smile, or simply just making sure that the person is happy and relaxed at all times. Yet in unrequited situations, one often doesn’t even get to do that, so the satisfaction of even that pleasure is denied to us. We still keep going on loving the person. It’s funny, right, ho these things function, with little regard to logic.
But instead of the sob stories, for this piece I’m going to concentrate more on the times when I’ve been at the receiving end of unrequited love, because these are far too numerous. And no, I’m not boasting, because this is not something to boast about. These have always been uncomfortable situations and always leave a sort of uneasiness within me.
The thing with receiving unrequited love, is that despite making you feel desired and happy, it ends up making you feel guilty and strangulated(at times). I say guilty because it feels bad, really bad to know that you might have something that you can give this person, something they desire, yet you can not because you don’t want to. This something can be your time, your body, your love or your person. You feel guilty because no one deserves to be rejected and why should you be in a position to reject someone or their affection.
And you know, it feels really nice to be the subject of that affection. It does, frankly. I’ve been in situations like these and they are overwhelming, to say the least. So, one of my recent friends, is gay. We are doing a play together and we grew close during rehearsals, and we are really good friends now. We connect with each other on a lot many levels, and we like to indulge in long never-ending conversations almost every day. Now, I know that he really likes me, and wishes that if I were gay, he could hit on me. I know it because I can sense it, I can see it in his eyes, and also because on certain drunk nights he has expressed this quite explicitly, though not cheaply. So here in this situation, I really feel bad because I’m straight, so I can’t even consider the prospect. But you know when you like a person and you mean well for them, you feel like they deserve to get the things they desire? I feel that sort of affection for him. Yet I can’t give him what he desires, i.e. my love. Now, that is heartbreaking, for the both of us in equal measure.
What’s peculiar about being at the receiving end, is that you tend to begin believing that the other person, the one who loves you unconditionally, is waiting only for you and is sad because he/she can’t get you. You sort of start believing that you’re the only one who can give them happiness, so they must be ‘not happy’. I don’t know if its a sadistic instinct to see people in pain because of you, or just plain concern that you might be affecting their state of happiness, but this thought exists for sure. And believe it or not, it pinches a little to see the same person find happiness finally with someone else. Again, you can’t call it jealousy, but it is something inexplicable.
So, this person liked you with all their heart. But you could not reciprocate in equal measure for some reason. It might be that you love someone else, or that you don’t feel for this particular person, or simply that you aren’t of the required orientation. So, now this person in unhappy and you’re aware. You’re sorry about hurting that person, or not being able to help them. You hope that one day they’ll get over you and find peace. Then one day, they do. They get over you. They might fall in love with someone else, or move on with their lives, find happiness in other things, places, people. Now, you don’t know what to think. You feel empty. And you end up concluding that they made a compromise. They’re ‘making do’ with the wrong choice. Because you don’t want to let go of the idea or the notion that YOU are the one right choice for them, but oh poor you, you can’t be.
Funny, we are all victims of our own doing. Where life can be totally simple and amazing, we complicate it ourselves to create havoc in life.
‘Love’ is such a beautiful emotion that it never needs to go unrequited. Why can’t all love be responded with exactly that? Love! How I wish this was the kind of world we were living in.
Reminds me of the song “Imagine” by John Lennon.