On Infidelity.

July 18, 2012 § 20 Comments

Most affairs begin when a husband or wife makes a new friend, and an apparently harmless intimacy is born. You dont sense the danger as it’s happening, because whats wrong with friendship? Why can’t we have friends of the opposite sex- or of the same sex, for that matter- even if we are married?

There is nothing wrong with a married person launching a friendship outside of matrimony- so long as the  walls and windows of the relationship remain in the correct places. Every healthy marriage is comprised of walls and windows. The windows are the aspects of your relationship that are open to the world- that is, the necessary gaps through which you interact with family and friends; the walls are the barriers of trust behind which you guard the most intimate secrets of your marriage.

What often happens, though, during so-called harmless friendships, is that you begin sharing intimacies with your new friend that belong hidden within your marriage. You reveal secrets about yourself- your deepest yearnings and frustrations- and it feels good to be so exposed. You throw open a window where there really out to be a solid, weight-bearing wall, and soon you find yourself spilling your secret heart with this new person. Not wanting your spouse to feel jealous, you keep the details of your new friendship hidden. In doing so, you have now created a problem: You have just built a wall between you and your spouse where there really ought to be free circulation of air and light. The entire architecture of your matrimonial intimacy has therefore been rearranged. Every old wall is now a giant picture window; every old window is now boarded up like a crack house. You have just established the perfect blueprint without even noticing.

So by the time your new friend comes to your office one day in tears over some piece of bad news, and you wrap arms around each other, and then your lips brush and you realize in a dizzying rush that you ‘love’ this person- that you have always loved this person!- its too late. Because now the fuse has been lit.

~Dr. Shirley P. Glass


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§ 20 Responses to On Infidelity.

  • Prashant says:

    Again, I believe that the trust factor plays a very imp role here. Still, Love makes you selfish. It does make you insecure. The reason someone could hurt you is only when he is close enough to you to do that. For being close, you really need to love the other person.

    Friendship is a more complex word than LOVE !! Yes, that’s true, because love has a logic behind it – friendship doesn’t. Love knows where it is heading – friendship usually has no clue. Love can be defined as something in your mind – friendship is made up of situations and perceived judgments.

    Love brings with it the need to always hold on to the person you love and the fear of what if you loose her. This is what defines love and the reason to be in it.

    Well, infidelity is anything like anyone would define it. But here, in this world – you have to be correct in front of more eyes than just of yours. That’s the way we are here. No technicalities. Just raw emotions.

  • Ben Naga says:

    I still ponder polyamory and its discontents.

  • vimal says:

    or you can go live in the forests…
    ha, ha
    human relationships are complicated, full stop.

  • Valentina says:

    If an intruder is behind the fence of your garden, you can still close the gate. If he’s inside your garden, you can still close the front door. If he has entered the house, you can try to keep him out of your safe room. But once he’s in your bedroom, what can you do? If it is not impossible to turn him back, then at the very least, it’s much-much more difficult than it would’ve been when he was still out, beyond the fence. Don’t let things go to far, people!

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