Conversations with myself.

October 14, 2011 § 17 Comments

Oct 13, 2011.
9:30 am. (Another night i did not sleep at all).

The observer: Hello AK! How do you feel after another night of getting nowhere?
The observed: Nowhere? I got closer to myself. No matter how many times i tried sleeping, i couldn’t get over me!
The spiritualist: At bliss! Another night that helped me figure out things about me, life, and the universe.
The doer: Fucked!

The observer: So these exams are important to you it seems. How’s it turning out to be?
The observed: It’s quite challenging actually. As much as i hate doing it, it keeps me hooked.
The spiritualist: Very, very nice. I am getting to learn newer things. Not just about the course material, that’s insignificant. BigGer things.
The doer: Fucked, and devastating!

The observer: So this accountancy thing is something you like to do? I mean, what do you feel every time you look at it?
The observed: Not really. But then i dont know what MY thing is. Lack of clarity. Hence i am going ahead with it for now.
The spiritualist: Everything i do is my thing if i do it with my heart and soul. It’s all the same after all.
The doer: Fucked, in the head!

The observer: 7 subjects, 19 days to go before it begins. Plus, soo many things happening around. How do you manage to smile?
The observed: Well yeah. Too many things at once. But it’s okay. I’m just managing fine. Only hope i get out of this alive.
The spiritualist: Now that’s my basic nature. I cannot not feel joy. That’s what i am precisely made of!
The doer: Fucked, i smile!

The observer: So where do you see yourself on Nov 15, 2011; 6pm? The day you get free!
The observed: Maybe reading a nice book or watching a random movie. Or just blabbering on the phone.
The spiritualist: Calm and centered. Like i always am.
The doer: Fucked, somewhere!

The observer: And where, 5 years from now?
The observed: Settled with this guy, doing all that i want to do at that point of time.
The spiritualist: Why bother about the future, Buddha? Look what a beautiful morning it is!
The doer: Now we’re talking. NOT fucked atleast. Away from this accounting to a life where i’d be content, and clear about things. I know the end precisely, i’m just searching for the means!

Awake-ened.

October 3, 2011 § 8 Comments

I reached out my hand
but you were not there.
I thought i’d just seen
you right here, a
couple of minutes back.
Was i dreaming with
open eyes?

I reached out my hand
but you were not there.
Although the distance from
where we are, to where we
ought to be is barely ‘distance’;
you chose not to cover it.

I reached out my hand
but you were not there.
Maybe it was my heart that
got carried away, and forgot
to ask you if you wanted
what i wanted, too.
It IS me, then.

I reached out my hand
but you were not there.
I tried calling you out
but somehow i couldn’t
speak. My throat went dry.
For once, i wanted to say it
but i was decieved. By
my own ‘logic’.

And eventually i closed
my eyes, hugging myself
to sleep.
Because i DID reach out my hand
you were not there.

Falling.

October 1, 2011 § 6 Comments

I sit and watch it
growing in me. Slowly
and steadily. With every
breath i take in.
It expands. So much
that at times i feel miniscule
in front of it. It is
THAT overwhelming.

It touches me at places
i didn’t know existed inside
me. Not until you came
along. And changed everything.
It makes me feel
complete, when it sways
leaving behind a trail
of emotions.
I, but sit and watch it.
Growing. Like it’s a life
form, bringing me to
life.

They call it mind-fucking.
I call it love.

Where Am I?

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